Reflections

I'm still in that funk that I mentioned in November.  That's a long time to be in a funk.  And if I'm really honest with myself the funk started in March as anger at the world with the unexpected death of my beloved cat Wally.  I still sometimes think about how different and how happy my life would be if Wally had not died.  But it is what it is (even though it sucks) and I have to move forward from this current life as my starting point.

So I look at my life and to help me get started I'm breaking things down to 2 lists - things I like and the type of person I want to me.  Hopefully there will be a great overlap in these lists.  The idea of this exercise is to help me see the path I have to take to get to be the person I want to be.

Things I like - random list in no particular or or importance

• Hiking
• Reading a book - I find I like myself better when I have a good book to read as I'm going to bed - weird but its a reality
• Sunshine /sunlight
• Efficiency - I might be like Dr Spock on Star Trek - part Human-part Vulcan.  Logic is very easy for me and inefficiency and lack of logic are one of my pet peeves
• Maintenance and projects - I'm very handy and I like to fix things
• Schedules - I do much better with having schedules and following them, then when I just 'wing it'
•  

I want to be a person that......

• hikes multiple times a week - can be short hikes at local parks or longer hikes at the state parks
• is fit and can
• easily run a 10 min mile
• complete a 10K (don't expect this to be my 'normal' distance, but I want to be able to do this without requiring herculean efforts on my part)
• reach my hands around my back (flexibility - I've lost this ability - could easily reach when I was doing yoga regularly in Chicago)
• try multiple sports and activities with friends (i.e., not just biking, running, and hiking - but also does canoeing, rafting, zip lining, rope course, etc - I want to be the type of person that is physically able and not scared to try new activities)
• smiles most of the time
• is fashionable in my attire - with my own causal, comfortable, athletic style
• is well prepared for retirement
• is able to live on much less than I make now (job situation is somewhat tentative and its very unlikely I can make as much as I do at IBM at another job)
• leads volunteer groups - I do like being the leader (it helps reduce the inefficiencies that drive me crazy)
• BLS finish area volunteers for Lakefront Marathon
• St Dom's A&E committee
• has friends that go along with me on vacations, hikes, restaurant dinners, etc
• I need to expand my group of friends to have more active friends that want to do more new and different types of activities
• lives in an uncluttered world - I like to have things in their place and a place for everything
• has what I need and not too much else! (right now I have more than I need, I want to use up what I have before purchasing more, and donate or sell what I no longer use/want)
• is a good dog owner.  If Zeus has taught me anything it's that I'm a cat person!  But I have Zeus and I do love him - he is a great puppy - and I expect to have him for the next 10 to 15 years so I need to be a good dog owner.
• I want Zeus to be well behaved - no jumping on people, no barking that is unwarranted (I'm glad to have him bark at the door and unknown sounds, etc but I don't him to bark at people he knows or to bark out on walks, etc)
• I want to love and appreciate Zeus and make sure he knows it.  Some of my biggest relief with Wally's passing was that I knew I loved him, and I knew he loved me, and I knew he knew I loved him - I want the same for Zeus.

I expect I will come back to this post and update it, but I'm satisfied it is a good starting point.  Next step is to work on the How Do I Get There From Here post.   I like I pointed out, I like schedules and if I can put together a plan and schedule for these goals then I have a much better chance of getting there!

Year in Review

I'm in a funk today and having a hard time appreciating what I've accomplished this year.  Today is November first and since November is my birthday, it often kicks off my end of year review instead of waiting till December. When I look back on 2011 the year has been more awful than wonderful.  By far the biggest impact this year  has been the death of my beloved pet Wally.   I still miss him every day. 

I now have a new pet, Zeus the mix bread puppy.   I hate to say it, and I'm sure this feeling won't last, but I often wish I didn't have him.  He is a great puppy, very sweet and lovable and is learning and behaving well.  But he, as any dog would be, is so much more needy and invasive than Wally was.   I feel like Zeus is one of those bad friends that is always 'stealing time' from you.  I hate 'time stealing' more than the average person, much more.   I am highly efficient - it's ingrained in my thinking; I automatically think through where I going and what I'm doing and what make more sense to be in which hand, etc.  And dogs are highly inefficient.   It causes me stress.   So many things are piling up in my life and house - the house feels cluttered and has piles of things to "get to" everywhere.  And with the holidays coming up and potential house guests, it's more in my focus and it feels a bit overwhelming which makes it hard for me to even get started.   And I blame Zeus for part of this because he has separation issues and doesn't let me go to get things done.  He needs to be walked, and played with, and even when he's just laying around half asleep he reacts badly if I'm not right there with him in the same room.

And back to Zeus, it stresses me that most of the time I feel like I would have been better off without him, probably better with another cat than my puppy.  I do love him.  But my heart is still so raw from losing Wally that at times it feels guilty for loving Zeus and then it feels guilty that I don't love him enough. And then I feel guilty that it's just me and I think how happy and how well Zeus would do with a family and kids.  He would have really thrived with a full family.  All of this stresses me out.

Having a dog is hard for a single person; at least having Zeus is hard for a single person.  He stresses if I get outside of his sight for any length of time.  He won't stay outside even on the days where all he wants to do is go outside, and I would love to have him hang outside my door on a chain where he can still see me, and I can still do work, etc.  But he cries, barks and almost hurts himself if I leave him out there for more than a few minutes (like 2 to 3 minutes, basically as soon as he figures out I'm not there, he goes crazy).  We had a breakthrough last week where I could put him in his crate, which helps trigger him to sleep, and still work in the kitchen and family room.  But that is not an everyday possibility, so far it has only happened on a couple of the nights where he was super tired from being at the dog day care.  And I'm having a hard time getting things done when I'm working from my bed or sitting on my bedroom floor.  There is something about it that hinders me from getting things done; and the spiral continues with more and more things not getting done and piling up.  

I'm starting to looking into different online time management and to-do applications to see if that can help me get started again.  I hope and pray that something will click for me soon. 

But I really don't pray much,  that is another thing that has fallen out of my life.  I'm still a little bitter towards God for letting Wally die.  I can't for the life of me figure out how or why that would be God's will.  It makes me think God can't get involved in everyone's life "details", and so while I give him a pass on not saving Wally that also makes me feel like there is no purpose or benefit from praying - it will just be another detail that God doesn't get involved in.

You can see why with all these thoughts and feelings going through my mind why I'm in a funk.  I need to snap out of it and soon.  Help if you can, I do believe thoughts and prayers from you will help me.

Christmas Planning 2011

Trying this again this year.... starting the Christmas planning early because I find if I don't figure things out now then I tend to miss out on some neat opportunities. 

So here is the consolidated list of possible activities and events for me for December 2011

Sat, Dec 3
3:30 pm Badgers vs Marquette at Kohl's Center
7pm Big Ten Football Championship in Indy
 Free Day at Milwaukee Zoo

Sat/Sun, Dec 3/4  - Madison Hoofers Ski Resale  -http://hoofersns.org/resale
   9am to 5pm (Sat) / 3pm (Sun)

Sat, Dec 10 - Cookie Bake at Barb T's



Sun, Dec 11, 3pm  - Bel Canto - Christmas in the Basilica, Basilica of St. Josaphat
        http://www.belcanto.org/dnav/6/page.htm

Tue, Dec 13, 7pm  - Badgers vs UWM Panthers at U.S. Cellular Arena

Sat, Dec  17/ Sun, Dec 18 - Model Trains at Discovery World - http://programs.discoveryworld.org/archives/2170
   try to combine with a winter lakefront walk?, holiday lights?, tea?, etc

Dates not yet set:
Chicago Botantical Garden - Winter Wonderland
http://www.chicagobotanic.org/wonderland/


Milwaukee Holiday Lights - walk thru or take the jingle bus
http://www.milwaukeedowntown.com/categories/14-holidaylightsfestival

High Tea - a couple of options
 Pfister 23rd floor  - every Fri - Sun from 3 - 4:30 during Nov and Dec - link
 George Watts tea shop - http://www.wattsteashop.com/index.html

M&I Holiday Display - quick walkthru when you're already down town
http://www.micorp.com/mibank/solutions.cfm?ObjectID=00095BA4-9D4A-1F70-901180C8FE5A0000&


Olbrich's Holiday Express - December 3 - 31
http://www.olbrich.org/events/holidayexpress.cfm

Germantown's Enchantment in the Park, Nov 25 - Dec 29
The Live Nativity Scene (a few dates)  may be interesting - idea to take Dad and Uncle Herman
http://enchantmentpark.org/

Breakthrough!

It's really not that big of a deal but I think it may have a big impact on how I'm able to keep the house as I want it and in general to be able to better keep up on things.

This week for the first time I was able to put the dog to bed in his crate for the night and still be able to work in the family room and kitchen.  This may not sound like a lot,  but normally once I put Zeus in his crate for the night, I've always felt like I needed to vacated that side of the house and limited myself to the master bedroom.  I could watch TV or read, and sometimes I took the laptop in there with me.   But overall it limited me from getting things done and organized and it seamed like so much was piling up and not getting done. Which added a lot of stress to my life.

So far both nights have been where Zeus was at the Doggy Office during the day and extremely tired those nights.  I'm not sure how well this will work on regular nights when he is not in a deep sleep.

This change helps 'integrate' Zeus into my life, rather than being an 'imposition'; which as much as I love him I often felt that he was a imposition because he takes sooo much more time and energy than Wally ever did.  Wally was an energy boost for me; Zeus is often an energy drain for me.  I do think this will change as he leaves the puppy stage and is a well trained dog.  But for now, often it is hard and this breakthrough helps me see light at the end of the tunnel!

September 11

Today is the 10th anniversary of the terrorism attacks on America. 

I'm impressed with the memorial they have created at Ground Zero.  It's beautiful in both its simplicity and magnitude.  I personally have been profoundly affected by the events of September 11 and find myself already feeling the need to see the new memorial - although I do feel the need to wait until its attached museum is completed (planned for 2012) and the newly planted trees are bigger. 

In 2008 I took a trip to New York City to see a baseball game at the old Yankee Stadium before the new Yankee Stadium opened.  We did a bunch of NYC tourism stuff including visiting Ground Zero and St Paul's Church.  St Paul's is a small church about a block away from Ground Zero, and it became the refugee for the first responders as they took much needed rest breaks.   It was highly emotional and a must see spot for anyone visiting NYC.

On a personal level, September 11 brings back memories of my beloved cat Wally.   Earlier that summer I had to put down my beloved cat Tibers who I had since my college days in Madison.  After September 11, we  were all reminded that life is short and with that realization I knew I needed to have a pet back in my life and my home.   So 9/11 was the impetus for me adopting Wally.

I love you Wally, I miss you Wally, and I will never forget you Wally.

Glad for indecision

I'm not sure it really was indecision, but I'm awfully glad I did not do what I had thought about doing!!

Wally loved the flowers off of the patio; and I had thought it could be a nice final resting place for his ashes, but I wanted a stone or some-sort of memorial for it and I still have not found one that I like and reminds me of Wally. 

Today I'm having landscaping work done and one of the areas they cleared out was his patio flower bed.  Its down the dirt - and if Wally's ashes has been there they would no longer be there.

Now I'm torn, I do still think this may be a good resting place for Wally, especially if the end result is beautiful but then again it will be an area new to him.  

I know they say cats would rather stay with the house than the owner, but I don't believe any of my pets would have chosen the house over me.  We had too deep a bond.  And I know this home is not long for me either.  I'm guessing I will have moved out within the next 10 years. 

I found out a a friend of mine's family buried their cats in a "undisclosed" location in Mitchell Park.  In the park at an area that was near the river stream and it's a place they can always visit no matter what happens to their family home.   Its not a bad idea to consider - I can see options of spreading Wally and Tibers ashes (yes, I still have Tibers' ashes because I could not bury them at the condo since I knew I would be leaving there within a year or two) at either Laphem Peak State Park (my most frequent hiking trails) or at Nashotah Park (my favorite trail running park).

I'm not sure what to do, but I'm very thankful I didn't yet spread his ashes in his favorite flower bed.

Midterm Milestone reach

Today is Onederful! - BL

Keep going - you're doing great!

Time to figure out some new rewards to help keep you motivated!!