It's illogical

It's hard being part Vulcan.   I often feel like I may be a descendant of Spock because I am so logical.   And I have a (controlled) hatred of illogical things and thinking.   And I'll tell you there is nothing logical about Wally's death.  Yesterday was a month.  And there are still several times each week when I'm overwhelmed with the loss.   And it really bothers me that it's not logical for Wally to have died.  He was well cared for, he was well loved, he was too young. 

It's not logical, it's not fair, and honestly it just sucks.

Bucket List - Failure to Success!!!

I don't know when my fascination with space and NASA started, but I'm sure I had it before graduated from grade school.   So it goes back a while as a fabric in my life.  My bucket list includes seeing a space shuttle launch in person.   The shuttle program is being scrapped this year in favor of developing a new type of space craft that can travel further and cheaper to allow our astronauts to make it to Mars and beyond.   That program is expected to have space flights starting in 2014.

The last shuttle launch is schedule for Friday, April 29.  I had no plans to be there ... until yesterday!  My friend Cindy (this is her photo from a different shuttle launch) is engaged to a NASA engineer and they have a "car pass" which allows everyone that can fit into their car employee access to the launch.  This is much closer than the public gets to the shuttle.   We found some cheap flights and are on our way.   It will be nice to have a break from Wisconsin and home, and it will be great to see Cindy and have a chance to hang out with her.  Plus we are planning a day at Universal Studios Orlando and seeing their The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  I can't wait!

First Backyard Fire of the Year

The backyard fire pit got a little workout this afternoon.  The fire was much nicer and burned better than I expected given the amount of rain we've had lately.  I now smell like camp fire, which makes me smile.

I made some progress today.   Another walk over lunch.  It was short but better than nothing.   The weather held out, but my work load impacted my ability to get away for any length of time.  And I worked my way through a big box of clothes that were in my home office.  This box had been there for months; and it was really bugging me.  I'm glad to see it out of there.  I've been making slow progress in decluttering that room and turning it back into a  room I'm proud of.  For much too long, that room has been a source of embarrassment that I wanted to hide from everyone.

Checking in

its been a very.tough.week.

I was optimistic about how well I was doing with the sudden loss of my best furry friend.  But last weekend was awful.  I missed him terribly.  It seemed the pain and sadness intensified.  I was hurting in all directions and every sense of the word.

But in order to keep my mind on other things I finally got a couple tasks completed that had been weighing heavy on my mind.   My taxes are done - yea!  and I finally complete and sent in the 2010 Health Care Spending receipts.  Its one of those accounts where you spend it or lose it and had already spent it and was going to lose it if I didn't get it submitted in time.   Both are now done and I even have a filing system set up to help with this account for 2011; especially important since I increased the funding to this for 2011.

Plus I've been running and walking more - I have a lot of nervous energy to burn off.   On Saturday I did a long walk - almost 8 miles.   I had wanted to walk about 6 or 7 miles to help me get back on track with the half marathon training.   But this was bigger and longer than I expected.   Overall it felt fine and was a nice walk.   Sunday started with a cold, rainy run with Marty's trail running program.

Over the last week and half, I have run or walked over 25 miles.  My new iphone nike+ GPS app is helping to track these exercise outings.  Those miles burned over 3000 calories - yea!

I'm still down a few pounds but I can tell my appetite is beginning to return, along with my desire to snack.   I do want to lose weight and I hope by still trying to dedicate to it to Wally it will help motivate me.

Friendly Reminder

Some sense of Peace

This is hard to write.  I'm hoping it will be cathartic and help me get over the sudden loss of Wally.

While his death was extremely hard on me, there are several things about it that have given me a sense of peace.

In no particular order...
I'm thankful for finding him still alive.  The morning of his death we had our normal morning routine.  He jumped on the bed just after the alarm sounded.  He was running around and playful as I got ready.   I'm thankful his death didn't happen overnight, or when I was out, or worse when I was home with him but busy with work and not paying attention to him.   Instead I was actively looking for him.  He was alone in this distressed state for no more than 20 minutes before I found him.  I think if I had found him already dead I would be in much worse shape and could not handle this as well.

I'm thankful that I had taken Wally to the vet just 2 weeks before his death.  He was a well cared for cat.  Wally was a little off - his eating was down, he had times when you could tell he wanted comfort.  Something was wrong, but he was mainly himself.   If I had not taken him to the vet, I would still wonder if there was something, anything that could have been found to prevent his death.   I know there wasn't.   He had been fully checked out by the vets taking a urine sample, doing X-rays, and an ultrasound -- but they found nothing.

Even though it was extremely difficult to see my little boy in so much pain as he struggled for his last breaths, I am grateful that I was there with him and that he was not alone.

I'm thankful that one day over Christmas break he had a minor incident that caused me to call the vet and they gave me information on the closest animal emergency center.   That day turned out to be nothing, but I had booked marked their webpage and so on the day of his death I knew who to call and how to get there - there was no wasted time searching on where or what to do.

I'm thankful that my sister Jo Ann and her son Rolly were planning to spend the weekend with me.  Since they were staying with me, I splurged and had a cleaning company come in on Tuesday and as part of that clean up most of Wally's stuff was put away.   This made it much easier after his death to not have all his toys and blankets out and about - that would have been the constant reminder.   And it would have been really sad to put those things away and knowing it was for the last time.  I'm also thankful that Jo Ann and Rolly were here - its a great distraction and it really helped keep the house from feeling empty without Wally.

While its extremely sad and the feelings of loss overcome me at different times, overall I do have some sense of peace about his passing.  I know I loved him, I know he loved me, I know he knew I loved him, I know he was well cared for (some may even say I spoiled him) and I know he did not suffer for long.

I think Wally's last loving act to me was to give me gifts of faith and improved health.  I have a feeling my faith is part of why I'm able to deal with Wally's death.  I don't think I knew how strong my faith had become until I had this terrible burden and am able to see the peace within me.   And in a funny sort of way, Wally may help me finally get back to a healthier weight.  His death has deeply affected me and with that I have lost much of my appetite.   And also given me nervous energy that makes me want to do something active to burn it off.   I'm down a few pounds already and I hope to internally dedicate my new resolution to exercise and eating better to Wally.  I'll think of my new resolution as his last gift to me.

RIP Wally

My heart breaks today.  My wonderful little boy of a cat died today. 

I adopted Wally in October of 2001 shortly after the September 11th attacks on America and a couple of months after I had to put my cat Tibbers to sleep.  

At the animal shelter I had meet with several cats and none really seams to be a good fit - I may have even seen all the available cats.  When I asked if they had any orange cats, they told me there was one about 10 months old.  He had been a stray someone found and brought in to the shelter.  The cat was still under assimilation training but they were willing to see how he acted around people and brought him into the viewing room with me.  Wally looked around for a minute then he spotted me, walked over to the folding chair I was sitting on, rubbed my legs for a minute while I petted him then he jumped up on my lap and rolled over to have me pet his belly.  He had found me, I had found my cat.