Feeling like a grown up

I made gravy today....and that made me feel like a grown-up.  Which is funny because just yesterday I had bagel chips for dinner and that decisively made me fell like I was not a grown up. 

I sat on the couch after finishing the bag and contemplated my life. I'm been in a slump over the last couple of months, with an inability to get things done.  One key point I contemplated was I'm constantly amazed but what I'll "live with".    The thing is I hate my house, my life, etc when I let things go and just live with it.  I blame my parents for my unnatural ability to live with things that should be dealt with, because they saw "living with" things as a virtue.   They honestly thought it made them better people to have the ability to live with it.   My tenancy to "live with" things half done, half put away, etc is one of my key barriers to having the life I want.  I look around and I see a coffee table that has had stuff to review for goodwill donations, etc - and its been sitting to the side of the living room since mid August!  I don't think a "normal" person would with that.

Another key barrier is perfectionism - it's not the standard perfectionism -- I don't feel that things have to be perfect .... I feel things have to be perfectly efficient.  And when they are not efficient, then I don't get things done.  I've had a built-in efficiency monitor that goes loco when things, people, and/or processes are not efficient and do things the hard way.   Drives me CRAZY.  And it makes me procrastinate and not get some of the day-to-day stuff done because I'm looking for a different way to make it more efficient or more routine.  Its probably worse in my personal life because in my professional life at IBM there is a TON of inefficiency that I can not control, so I try to control even more in my own life.  Aughh

The third barrier is frugality - another trait I learned from my parents.  I have this trait to an extreme.  I'm looking around my computer as I write this and see several used napkins and tissues - used but they still have the ability to be used again.  It really does bother me to throw these out when I can still see life left in them.  Auggghhh.   I love to "use things up".  I actually do get a feeling of happiness when I finish a box of crackers or cereal, or finish the last piece of paper in a notebook.  Speaking of notebooks, I'm using one now that has pages that dated from 2003 - yes, 7 years ago I was using this same 70 page notebook.   And I've moved at least once (and maybe more times) since I purchased it for about 10 cents - I wonder how much my moving cost was for all these old notebooks with "a few good blank pages in them"?   How can I think that's worth it to keep things like old notebooks that still have 10 sides of blank pages?  I have too much stuff that doesn't bring me pleasure or happiness but that I have a hard time throwing away because they still can be used.  The tissues and napkins are an extreme example but there is much in my house that fits this bill. 

So what do I do to get over this?... just do it.  Take the old Nike slogan and try to apply it to my house.   Just do it, even if its inefficient and they are better ways to do it, just get it done doing whatever it takes (or retakes) Getting my house to be something I'm proud of will make a big difference for my attitude.   I did a change over to clean up piles of stuff that was left in the kitchen, and the clean up made me feel soooo much better about the kitchen.  I need to take that same approach throughout the house.   Its a nice house - I do love it - but for the last few weeks I would have been embarrassed if anyone came in beyond the doorways.

So this weekend will be a big push to get it done.  The priority will be the "public areas" of the house - I'll let the bedrooms slide to another time.  I'm going to get the Family room, living room, dining areas, mud room, and entry areas looking how I want them to look.  Trust me - this is a big task.  But its going to happen.  I have the motivation  to get it done.  Now I just need to find the time.

Building confidence to match capability

I had not run in 2 weeks - it started because of the cold but continued because of fear.  Fear of finding out how much I had lost with that break, of how hard it would feel,  and of how long it would take to get back to where I was with cardio and endurance.

It's true.. the only think you have to fear is fear itself.

Saturday I ran for about 5 miles on the Scuppernong Trail.  I still had the tail end of my cold and had to carry water because my throat needed it constantly throughout the run (our sag wagon had water at around the 3 mile point), but overall it was fine.  If I had not had the trail running program, there is no way I would have gotten out and ran that morning.   No way.   But I did have the program, and I did run, and it was fine.  No, better than fine; it was GOOD.   I felt good, and I felt capable.  I'm grateful I had the insight to sign up for the trail running program - to be fully honest I was a bit intimidated by the concept and wasn't confident that I was capable of  trail running - but it's been good, first and foremost it has kept me running and increased my distances.  Saturda's 5 miles was the longest I've run since 2007 when I completed the Green Bay Half Marathon.

We have 2 more outings for the Trail Program - and the last one could be a 9 miler for me.  There is a 6 mile loop and a 9 mile loop.  Marty (our leader) thinks I can (and should) to the 9 miler.  Once again, I'm not confident...but considering the scuppernong run...I'm beginning to believe I'm capable of it.   What I need I to do is to bump up my running over these next two weeks to prove to myself that I can do the 9 mile run.

As a side note, this post started in my mind with frustration at waking up with a very soar neck today.  It had started yesterday with waking up with a mild soar neck - it hurt a little and had some limited mobility on the left side.  I'm positive the trail running did not help it any.  The neck continued to mildly hurt throughout the day and impacted my sleep.   This morning it was painful - there is no other words to describe it.   And I thought for sure this would keep me from pilates class tonight and probably limiting my additional running this week. Well a heating pad session, a few alieve, some simple stretching and it's feeling much better.  I'm confident that I'll be able to participate in pilates and that the stretching and movement from tonight's class will improve the neck - confident that I'm capable.   And I'm feeling like I'll be able to add those morning runs in this week to make Saturday's trail running go smooth.  It really is very nice and empowering to have a core belief that I'm confident in my capabilities.

Set backs

I really felt like I was in the groove for picking up running again. I looked forward to the outings and felt steady improvements.  The only concern I had was picking the right clothes - I often dressed too warm.   I figured that was relatively minor and would figure itself out the more I ran and the cooler fall weather came into play.

Well, I'm out of the groove and wondering how I can get back into it.   I got sick - the server cold and with sour throat that hurts to swallow, the stuffy nose where you can't breath through at least one of the nostrils at all times, achy and tired.   Over all a miserable condition and there was no way I was going outside to get in any sort of run.  This lasted just over a week.  

I'm now feeling better - still have the cough that I can't fully shake and the throat is not fully back to normal but I feel 100% better than I did last week. 

So its back to finding a way to exercise - specifically getting back to running.  Monday night I worked out with my pilates mat class.   This is the second day I've dressed in sweats with the plan / hope / desire to get in a run throughout the day.  Wish me luck (and focus)