I'm in a funk today and having a hard time appreciating what I've accomplished this year. Today is November first and since November is my birthday, it often kicks off my end of year review instead of waiting till December. When I look back on 2011 the year has been more awful than wonderful. By far the biggest impact this year has been the death of my beloved pet Wally. I still miss him every day.
I now have a new pet, Zeus the mix bread puppy. I hate to say it, and I'm sure this feeling won't last, but I often wish I didn't have him. He is a great puppy, very sweet and lovable and is learning and behaving well. But he, as any dog would be, is so much more needy and invasive than Wally was. I feel like Zeus is one of those bad friends that is always 'stealing time' from you. I hate 'time stealing' more than the average person, much more. I am highly efficient - it's ingrained in my thinking; I automatically think through where I going and what I'm doing and what make more sense to be in which hand, etc. And dogs are highly inefficient. It causes me stress. So many things are piling up in my life and house - the house feels cluttered and has piles of things to "get to" everywhere. And with the holidays coming up and potential house guests, it's more in my focus and it feels a bit overwhelming which makes it hard for me to even get started. And I blame Zeus for part of this because he has separation issues and doesn't let me go to get things done. He needs to be walked, and played with, and even when he's just laying around half asleep he reacts badly if I'm not right there with him in the same room.
And back to Zeus, it stresses me that most of the time I feel like I would have been better off without him, probably better with another cat than my puppy. I do love him. But my heart is still so raw from losing Wally that at times it feels guilty for loving Zeus and then it feels guilty that I don't love him enough. And then I feel guilty that it's just me and I think how happy and how well Zeus would do with a family and kids. He would have really thrived with a full family. All of this stresses me out.
Having a dog is hard for a single person; at least having Zeus is hard for a single person. He stresses if I get outside of his sight for any length of time. He won't stay outside even on the days where all he wants to do is go outside, and I would love to have him hang outside my door on a chain where he can still see me, and I can still do work, etc. But he cries, barks and almost hurts himself if I leave him out there for more than a few minutes (like 2 to 3 minutes, basically as soon as he figures out I'm not there, he goes crazy). We had a breakthrough last week where I could put him in his crate, which helps trigger him to sleep, and still work in the kitchen and family room. But that is not an everyday possibility, so far it has only happened on a couple of the nights where he was super tired from being at the dog day care. And I'm having a hard time getting things done when I'm working from my bed or sitting on my bedroom floor. There is something about it that hinders me from getting things done; and the spiral continues with more and more things not getting done and piling up.
I'm starting to looking into different online time management and to-do applications to see if that can help me get started again. I hope and pray that something will click for me soon.
But I really don't pray much, that is another thing that has fallen out of my life. I'm still a little bitter towards God for letting Wally die. I can't for the life of me figure out how or why that would be God's will. It makes me think God can't get involved in everyone's life "details", and so while I give him a pass on not saving Wally that also makes me feel like there is no purpose or benefit from praying - it will just be another detail that God doesn't get involved in.
You can see why with all these thoughts and feelings going through my mind why I'm in a funk. I need to snap out of it and soon. Help if you can, I do believe thoughts and prayers from you will help me.
